if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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