You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
