Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
