sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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