and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
