Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
