dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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