remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
