You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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