be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
