my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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