Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
