did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
