better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
