fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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