What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
