It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
