my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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