I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize