1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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