so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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