The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize