I accidentally burped into my bong.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
