I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
