I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize