Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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