I wish my penis had an off switch
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize