dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
soo... how was my night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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