You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
