Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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