Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
two words...techno handjob
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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