This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
