Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
