Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
