I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
