can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
