the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
