Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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