U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize