you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
