I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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