I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
