It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
