Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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