I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
