i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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