So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
