Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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