I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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