im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
