i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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