you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize