I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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