i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
