11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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