there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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