are you still at the devil's house?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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