She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
