my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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