I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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