I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
