were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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