I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How does one acquire holy water?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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